2020 Highlights

One of the articles that I read about 2020 highlights said that the word “unprecedented times” had been used excessively this year. I can’t lie though, that’s some powerful word right there (even though the more you use it, the more it loses its meaning). For me personally, 2020 is also an unprecedented time. I don’t know what kind of witchcraft and wizardry happened to me this year, but it sure is new. I never really got the time to think about myself before; the closest I get perhaps was in the first half of 2018 when I decided to change my career direction completely. I recognized the feeling, it was the same as what I felt back then in 2018. However, the problem was not resolved at that time. I got busy with life and it slipped away just like that.

Probably, I only used like 10–15% of my emotions daily. That was before the quarantine. After confining myself in a 12-meter-square room, everything feels exaggerated. The emotions doubled, tripled, or even quadrupled. One little sadness can last for a few days because I literally had nothing to divert my thoughts to. Moreover, your roles also got blurred. You no longer see the boundaries between being an employee, a friend, a daughter, or a commuter, for instance. You start questioning your personality, your likes and dislikes, what kind of person you actually are, and what the hell you are doing on this earth; but for a longer time and on a deeper level.

I know it’s not only me. 2020 has made us all feel beaten and jaded pretty badly from merely trying to survive a night without overthinking. Some people reach out for help, some people don’t; some may find comfort in music and moving pictures, some don’t find any resolution at all. We face 2020 differently, but I’m quite positive that no one has a good time (If you do have a good time, congratulations, you are a rare breed). What I’m trying to say is, you are not alone. You are not the only one who went through misery during this horrendous year. In some cases, like mine, you do have to realize that it is you who threw yourself into the pit, it is you who jumped on your own with full consciousness. Of course, you can build yourself a ladder, but you should also know that there are a lot of people that can help you get out of it.

On this occasion, I’m not trying to share what I’m going through. Instead, I’d like to list some of the things that have been keeping me on the sane lane in 2020. Without these, I’m probably still myself in April, someone who played The Sims 12 hours a day.

Serene Vlogs.

Yep, this totally sounds like a waste of time. The “serene vlogs” include the study vlogs, cafe vlogs, cleaning vlogs, cooking vlogs, journaling vlogs, and so on. I found this side of Youtube years ago, yet I never really paid any attention to it. Not because I dislike it, but tell me — who got the time to watch someone making the same drinks over and over for an hour before the quarantine started?

This type of vlog has been a real savior when those “I don’t wanna think too hard but I don’t wanna do nothing either because doing nothing will lead to overthinking” moments came. I just played the video, turned on the autoplay, and stared at the screen in silence. This activity might not solve any of your life problems, but it slows down your life pace a little bit.

Music. Especially, K-pop.

There is this particular group that has been my number one rescuer; DAY6. DAY6 is a South Korean band consisting of five members. They play instruments and write their own songs. Their 2020 hit, Zombie, is the one that made me realize that I shouldn’t stay the way I was at that time.

Their songs made me realize that I shouldn’t take my feelings lightly. I think my emotions kind of snowballed, perhaps? The accumulation of problems that I swept under the rug sort of backfired on me. The rug got so stinky that I just had to check what was underneath. When I opened it, I totally lost my sense of smell because of the amount of trash and rotten feelings that I shoved down throughout the years. I’m forever indebted to them for helping me to become more mindful of myself through their lyrics and melodies.

Series.

I have many favorites this year. They are not new series, though. Most of them were released way before 2020, but I just took the time to watch them now. The most notable ones are Bojack Horseman, One Day At A Time, Fleabag, Normal People, and Hospital Playlist. Even though some of them, in a way, contributed to my sadness, I’m glad that I got the chance to watch them this year. They sort of helped me to form a new cloud of thoughts about myself and how I measure happiness.

Some of the leads to my epiphanies were delivered through mediums that I didn’t expect, such as animated series (shout out to Bojack Horseman). Series (and also movies) can be both a getaway and cogitation. They can give you entertainment, but are also capable of serving truth on a cold plate. The most exciting part is when you are able to reflect on your life after watching a series, without anyone deciphering it for you. It feels like it’s your own fruitful thought; although, in reality, you are aware that it was the writers’ intention all along; to deliver their contemplation through pop cultures. The message is probably super cliche, but you still get the satisfaction from catching the essence of the series.

Among Us Group

This group used to be a hiking group. Since we couldn’t go anywhere, we shifted the function from an impromptu-trips group to an Among Us group. You probably know Among Us, the most influential game during the quarantine that taught us about lies, betrayal, and murder (lol). It was nice to have a regular schedule of socializing in order to keep my “humans are social creatures” box refilled. At first, we simply played multiple games but starting in December, we sort of had a sharing session?

I’m not lying though; being connected and reconnected to these people is one of the most important highlights of my 2020. I realize that humans can still be in their genuine states even though the screen and the distance are the barriers that prohibit gestures, expressions, and emotions to be freed. I also realize that no matter how introverted you are, no matter how you love to be in solitude, you still need people and human interactions — to get out of loneliness.

***

To tell you the truth, I still haven’t found a way to reach the middle ground; to feel certain about how to solve my personal matters and how to disentangle them for good while still going on with life, fully functioning. Additionally, I’ll most likely feel bad about myself after this because I’m aware that there are way, way more serious problems in this world rather than mine, but….

Yeah. I’m still looking forward to 2021.