Have I ever told you that dreams do come true?
Well, not all of them, of course. Some dreams do come true and some don’t, but we tend to focus on those that don’t.
In 2010, when I was about to enter high school, I wrote a dream on my blog about pursuing a bachelor's degree in South Korea. Well, I took a little detour by going to Bandung first, but here I am now, in South Korea, going to pursue my master’s degree. Not bad huh, little self?
I was already on the brink of giving up my dream to pursue higher studies this year. I often thought that maybe I’m simply not cut out for studying and I should just give up on my dreams and work (not die, because I’m not Levi). Thus, when the Korean Embassy of Indonesia delivered the good news on its website, the blessing felt more like serendipity because I didn’t even expect myself to pass the first round of GKS selection, let alone the final round. It still feels surreal to me, even until I stepped on the solid ground of a megacity called Seoul.
Well, let’s not talk further about how I got here. There is something more pressing for me that I would like to share with you. It’s the way the scholarship industry is romanticizing hard work.
I feel like the industry is using the term too much to the point that it may feel devaluing to some. When you fail, it’s not always because you didn’t work hard enough. There are many other factors that may lead you to a certain output. There is no definite equation, nothing like the equivalent exchange from Fullmetal Alchemist. Option A won’t always bring you Output B and Output B won’t always lead you to Outcome C.
Hard work doesn’t always pay off. At times, the harder you work, the bigger the fall, the worse the doom. Results also betray efforts most of the time. Yet, we came to believe that things will always go our way if we play it according to the rules because of the survivor bias that stems deeply beneath our subconscious minds.
“Maybe I don’t work hard enough”, “Maybe I should have stretched myself further”, and “Maybe I should have stayed on track”. I suppose those are the thoughts we have when we failed. That’s the negative side of relying too much on jargon: self-blaming and constant regret. We overlook the fact that whichever option we pick, we’ll probably have at least a bit of regret in the end. Perhaps, it’s never “every decision is a good decision”, but more like “every decision is a bad decision”. The final decision doesn’t really matter, it’s how we work with it after deciding that truly counts.
I’m not saying that we shouldn’t work hard or put in too much effort. Nothing can ever get done if you don’t work for it, right? My scholarship journey was not always smooth-sailing. I do put a bigger effort into this, but blessings constantly came to me when I least expected them. My supportive parents, my professors in college who gave me the recommendations, my friends who regularly checked up on me, gave me their support, and helped me when I needed it most — these people, I can’t thank them enough for the emotional and material supports they have given me. This opportunity to pursue a graduate degree felt way beyond my reach if I only rely on myself. I always see myself as lacking and never good enough for anything and think that each of my achievements up to this date is sheer luck. Oftentimes, I feel like I don’t deserve something or I don’t belong someplace, but… come to think of it, I was actually pretty good too according to my own standard.
I don’t want to mislead people into thinking that hard work is the one and the only thing that matters because it’s totally not. For me, it’s a combination of being born into a middle-class family that can afford education, the name of my alma mater that sticks with my identity, the money that I could spend on preparing for the scholarship without much worry, and, last but not least, the extensive help from my positive surroundings. These are my privileges. I acknowledge them, and I’m beyond thankful for them.
Even so, are those the ‘requirements’ for obtaining a scholarship? Does that mean that people who don’t own the same privileges cannot achieve the same thing? Definitely not. The world works like a wonder, nothing is ever really fixed except death. So, as cliche as this may sound, you can definitely get what you want by utilizing your own stories, capabilities, and privileges. Just don’t be angry at yourself when you fail. It’s never entirely your fault, and you can always try again.
Have a little mercy on yourself.
